Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
