You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
