she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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