Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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