Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
