apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
