I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
