I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
