he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
