The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
