We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
