Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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