We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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