I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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