everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You made out with two different species that night
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Randomize