I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
