i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
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It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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