New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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