So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
