I accidentally burped into my bong.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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