He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
