I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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