and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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