Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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