Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My vagina is officially offended.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
