My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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