I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
