last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
