I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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