How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
