the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
