Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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