Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
