so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
