We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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