New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
