this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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