Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
