Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Randomize
