Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
