This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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