Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
