I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
