We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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