Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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