one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
