I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
