My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
