But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
