Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
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Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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