If that was your dad, he is hot
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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