why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
