and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
