I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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