I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
