I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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