I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
